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I Live in Peachy World
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
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2009.10.16 00.09
just thinking....
sometimes i really wish that the harry potter books could come in like half-versions. like the first half and second half in second volumes, so that they could fit in my purse....
Mood:  contemplative
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2009.10.11 23.18
who is john gault?
I would really give just about anything to be able to cuddle on the couch with someone that i just feel totally comfortable with and watch the west wing.
I watched 7 seasons of that show and got to share some of it via texts with Kenny, but I didn't watch a SINGLE episode with someone other than myself. It would mean the WORLD if I could share that with someone.
Mood:  lonely
Music: Paul Winter Consort
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2009.08.27 22.11
it's scary how lonely i am here. i know i asked for this. i know i put myself in this situation on purpose. but i honestly feel SCARED by how alone i am. and no matter how many people i've talked to, noone makes that feeling feel any better.
was this all just a big mistake? should i just go home and be happy with what i had?
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2009.08.23 15.39
This is one of the absolute hardest days of my life.
I haven't been on my own in over 3 years. I'm so scared, and already feel lonely.
Music: The West Wing
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2009.04.07 22.28
in an hour and a half
I turn 22. It feels much older to me than I think I should. Maybe I'm just not quite as far on the life path as I thought I would be at this age? I don't know...
But anyone in the area should come to Whiskey River tomorrow night. Come say hi to me. I'll be there at least most of the night. I have a busy day the next day, starting at 8 am, so I may have to leave early.
But anyways, I'd love to see anyone who wants to come out and say hi, and dance a little!
Music: Fall Out Boy
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2009.03.25 23.55
Just thinking...
I'm looking for friends that I can connect with like my dad and I do. My dad and I can hang out, watch movies, or talk for hours, and I barely notice where the time has gone. I can go over to the house and we can just chill, like we're friends. I'm mostly past the point of needing "parenting" so now we can be just friends. We can talk about anything. He's the one that I go to for advice, and when I'm bored, I can go hang out with him at his house and just spend a couple hours not being alone. I want friends that I feel like that with. Accepted, but mostly just comfortable. We don't agree on everything; and that's fun. But we're interested in similar things. He can still teach me things. He knows more about some topics, and I know more about some topics.
I want friends that I can just go and hang out with and be me. Like my dad. I'm not trying to be anyone else. I just need some more friends like that.... Hope they're in my future.
Mood: contemplative
Music: Blister in the Sun
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2009.03.25 20.17
it's official!
I have been accepted to UTSA to start for Fall 2009. I was expecting it, but since it took almost a month to get my acceptance back, I'm just relieved to finally have it. Now I can figure out what classes I need so I can try to sign up for classes when registration opens April 1.
I'm really excited! I'm moving! Who else is in San An now? I've lost track!
Mood:  excited
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2009.03.04 20.31
August on my mind
I am so tired of waiting.
I know where I want to be. I know what I want to do, where I want to go.
It's taken me years to get to this point, it just seems so unfair that I have to keep waiting for it!
I'm so ready to start a new adventure.
Mood:  curious
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2009.03.02 01.43
you can't bring me down
i'm piecing together an idea of what i want in the person i spend my life with. no flowery platitudes, just realities. bits and pieces from people i've spent real time with.
i have full faith that he's out there in the world.
it will be nice to have heath home, though. for sure.
i'm soooo ready to move.
Mood:  antsy
Music: Defying Gravity
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2009.01.28 19.24
i had a dream about shannon last night. it felt very real.
we were in a hotel room, as if we were on a family vacation. it was our own room. and we were just doing regular stuff. like it was the past. we were just talking, watching tv, hanging out.
i dunno why, but this particular dream hasn't left my thoughts all day. its really weird. like, the dream was nothing unusual. although its unusual for me to actually remember my dreams, so in that aspect its a little special.... i dunno. *shrug*
Music: Memory- Sugarcult
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2009.01.08 19.22
i've always wanted to know what it would be like to date a girl.
they smell good. they're prettier than boys.
and lately, a lot of girls in my life are either dating girls or coming out.
sign, maybe? i dunno.
but it's got me thinking.
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2008.12.24 23.44
Shannon, end of story
I believe I have experienced the conclusion to what is my frustration at the Shannon-thing... on-going for almost 3 years now.
This morning, when I talked to my mom about what we were doing tonight for christmas eve, she casually mentioned that Shan and Bryce were going to be there, with their two dogs. Like it was no big deal. Well, to me, it was a VERY big deal. i was fucking nervous all day. What would it be like? Would she be a big bitch? would we make up? What would happen?
Well, my friends, nothing happened. absolutely nothing. I might have well been sitting next to Heath's family for all the personality that was exchanged. It was cordial enough. But awkward and uncomfortable. It felt almost as if we had just met. As if we knew nothing about each other, and had no past whatsoever. And I hate it, because it was mostly MY family. But Shan and Bryce obviously didn't have a problem, it was as if there wouldn't even have been a problem to have. As if nothing had ever happened.
As Heath and I left, he turned to me and said "She's still not going to talk to you." I hadn't thought about it all night, but at that moment I realized that he was right. The way they had acted towards me had shown one thing plain and clear: I did not matter. That there was nothing to be nervous about on their part, because they simply did not think about me. The fact that I was missing in her life meant nothing.
I think the most upsetting part of this, is that not only does she obviously not care about not talking to me, but that I was so inconsequential in her life. That not only was I replaceable, but I didn't even mean enough for a replacement to be needed. I was utterly SUPERFLOUOUS. and that is a fucking sucky feeling. I hate this.
And I think I'm going to hurt from this, forever. Because I cared. She may not have, but I cared.
And I don't even know how to have this kind of relationship with her, much less anyone else. Its like LC said in the finale of the Hills, "Because we were so close, I know how to be her best friend, and I know how to hate her. But I don't really know how to be anything in between."... How true that statement is for me. It's how I am with all of my relationships, most notably for this one.
It's going to be hard.
Mood: crushed
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2008.12.10 21.52
i've been watching the episodes of the west wing from the pilot onwards.
i started because right around the time of the election, bravo was showing some episodes during the day. i caught one, and i really loved it.
they are SO good. quite a few have brought tears to my eyes. one even left me straight up sobbing.
i hope obama can live up to the challenges he is about to face.
in other news, heath and i will be gone for a week. we are taking a vacation by ourselves from monday through sunday-ish in missouri. we've got a room in a lodge near branson. it will be beautiful.
i can't wait for christmas. even though i'm broke.
Music: The West Wing
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2008.11.04 22.17
barack obama
OBAMA is the new president.
thank GOD almighty!
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2008.10.30 00.40
I voted Monday.
Have YOU voted yet?
5 More Friends
you know its important!!!
lol, Justin "I can do anything... I was in a boyband"
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2008.10.10 01.12
so, i've technically got shan's phone number now
i am FREAKING OUT. i don't know what to do with this information. because, like, i miss her a lot. but it really feels like something out of The Hills. its drama that i just can't seem to figure out.
a;odfja;sodifj
and michael is a sucky roommate and i really hope we can find someone to take his place so we can just fucking kick him out already. ugggggh.
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2008.09.21 03.45
just a couple thoughts after a night of drinking...
i was thinking politics, and i just felt like i needed to write a couple of my main thoughts.
1. i will argue you to death if i do not like your beliefs. but i will also defend to the death your right to believe these things.
2. I honestly don't mind McCain that much. I like Obama better, but I really think McCain would be decent as President. However, the THOUGHT of Palin makes me want to vomit. Literally.
3. I do not believe that we should pull out of Iraq. I have several friends and friends husbands who have PTSD from being over there. I don't like what we have done there. But I agree that simply pulling out would be one of the worst things we could do. In this sense, I actually AGREE with the Republicans.
4. It is my fucking body, you have NO right to tell me what to do with it...
I think I'm going to work on something resembling a political manifesto. I don't know... I'm just all alone after having fun tonight and this was on my mind.... So, enjoy.
Any thoughts and/or ideas on more things?
Music: Pink- her new one... what the hell is it called?
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2008.07.16 02.46
i saw shannon for the first time tonight in 3 years.
she didn't say anything to me.
i didn't know what to say. and i was kinda having a panic attack just from her being there in the first place.
ugh.
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2008.03.25 16.19
i have had at least 5 loves in my life.
its funny how songs can STILL evoke feelings all these many years ago. even for the ones that have been YEARS.
Mood: pensive
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2008.02.14 18.13
hillary clinton
I was in the same room as Hillary Clinton yesterday.
I stood in line for about 3 hours to get to see her speak at a rally in Robstown, about 15 minutes from Corpus yesterday.
It was SOOO cool.
And although I know there are some kids (like myself) who at the ages of 14-18 were very politically conscious and would have gotten a lot out of an event like that which occurred yesterday, I also know that there are MANY MANY more who don't care less. And yet, over a thousand local kids got to have reserved seats and were given priority to the event yesterday over thousands of voters who stood in line for hours, took time out of work, to make it. And hundreds of them didn't even get in to the room where hillary was speaking. It was SOOO frustrating.
But I got in. I was in the same room as her. It was exhilerating.
I just hope Obama comes now.
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2008.01.07 20.54
in memory of...
thanksgiving morning my grandad passed away. he had been fighting alzheimer's for several years. and i think he was just tired and decided to let go. he went relatively peacefully. i miss him, but i'm glad he's no longer in pain.
so saturday my whole family (well, as close as possible) came together. we sat around the house, drank gin and tonics and really dry martinis (gross!) in memory of him. we had licorice. we listened to old band music and sang christmas carols. and we told memories about him.
he was one of the most incredible people anyone knew.
over and over it was repeated how he never ever had a bad thing to say to anyone.
i wish i had known him better. as a man, rather than as my grandpa.
i got some good memories with him. but not enough. not nearly enough for the man that he was.
i miss him.
Robert "Bob" Leon Lloyd, only child of Leonidas and Carrie Mann Lloyd, was born March 30, 1919, and died November 21, 2007, of Alzheimer’s Disease. Mr. Lloyd is survived by his wife of 65 years, Elsie Lloyd, sons David Alan Lloyd and Alan Martin Lloyd of Austin, daughters Mary Jane Lloyd of San Antonio and Martha Ann Lloyd Messer of Corpus Christi, grandsons Arthur, Stephen, Jack, and Will, granddaughters Ellen and Alice, step-granddaughters Miranda, Stephanie and Shannon, daughters-in-law Amy and Janice, son-in-law Larry Messer, and former son-in-law John Reilley. Bob was raised in North St. Louis and loved to play games as a kid. He got a big kick out of showing people the corner where he said, “I lost all my marbles,” meaning real marbles of course. He graduated from Beaumont High School and Washington University in St. Louis. Bob and Elsie lived at 548 Oakwood in Webster Groves MO for 40 years where they raised their four children. Through a series of strange and wondrous coincidences, all of Mr. Lloyd’s children moved to Texas and Bob and Elsie moved to Corpus Christi Texas and then to San Antonio Texas to be near them and their families. Robert Lloyd was an Army Warrant Officer in WWII and received a Purple Heart for injuries sustained while serving his country in France and Germany. He hated the Army, but loved peace, freedom, justice, and fair play. Mr. Lloyd was a natural musician and could pick out any tune on the harmonica and the melodica by ear. He loved Frank Sinatra, Lawrence Welk, Gilbert and Sullivan, ballet and modern dance, Broadway shows and the arts. He often laughed so hard it brought tears to his eyes. Bob was a Cardinal baseball fan and spent countless hours playing catch with his kids. He read voraciously, solved mountains of crossword puzzles, loved an extremely dry martini, and enjoyed visiting Egypt, Greece, Australia, Spain, New Orleans and other exotic places with Elsie. He took his family camping and occasionally fishing. Bob and Elsie were active members of the Ethical Society in St. Louis and the Unitarian Universalist Church of Corpus Christi Texas. They were directors of the 100 Neediest Cases Campaign in St. Louis for two years, where they happily raised large sums of money for folks in need. This husband, dad, grandpa, uncle, brother-in-law, father-in-law, friend, musician, camper, veteran, fan, philanthropist was loved and will be missed by everyone who ever met him. In lieu of flowers or donations, his family asks that you go out and play catch with a kid.
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2007.10.11 07.13
its getting real
heath and i went to just look at engagement and wedding rings yesterday. just to see what's out there and to get an idea of what we liked for ourselves and such.
i thought that i'd just give him an idea of what i liked, then he could pick out the actual ring.
but i totally fell in love with one.
its so perfect. and simple. and beautiful. and i put it on and i could totally see myself wearing it for the rest of my life. i loved it.
i've found the guy, i've found the ring. now all i need is to find my dream dress and i'd be all set. haha.
but seriously, its getting real. the fact that i might be getting married relatively soon. its crazy. as a little girl, its something you think about all the time. but now its something thats tangible. that i could get married to this man. its a little bit crazy. but very cool, at the same time.
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2007.10.01 20.28
i'm not perfect
i want to apologize for all my imperfections. for my lapses in judgement.
past and future.
i'm sorry. but i want to get beyond it.
just let us all get beyond it.
Music: Come Clean
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2007.09.27 21.52
social butterfly
i think i'm defective.
i don't know how to make friends. or be friends anymore.
what am i supposed to do?
i am so, so alone.
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